I wanted to share what I have learned (and continue to learn) from the passing of my mother.
Two years ago today, my momma left her physical body. It was early in the morning when we got the call from dad, but I’ll be honest, I knew it happened before I got the call. Ill fill you in on that later.
For those of you who have never sat with someone while they received their last rights in the hospital, this is how it goes. They ask you to let the person know it is ok to leave this earth. When I heard that in the hospital my gut reaction was no, I am afraid I cannot do that, but I sat in silence during the prayer and stared at my mom with gobs of fear in my heart. Fear that if I told her it was ok to leave that I would not feel her presence anymore or know her love anymore. I was scared to live a life without a mom, so no, sir, I will not sit here and let her know it is ok to leave me because I am scared. So rather than sending those thoughts up, I just sat there. I took those thoughts home with me that night, and looked at myself in the mirror and said she is ready. You may not be, but she is ready. So I started to shift my thoughts. Maybe, just maybe I will know her when she is gone. When I visited her the next day, I sat in silence and sent those messages to her and to the universe.
She passed the very next day. My dad called early in the morning but I was not shocked when he called. I am about to share something I have never told anyone about but I think it is time. The night before she passed I was not sleeping well and found myself focusing my thoughts on praying to God to take her when the time was right. I was in and out of sleep but the image I saw in my brain early that next morning will never be removed. I saw the most vivid image of an angel that I have ever seen and when I try and recreate it in my head, I can’t do it. I saw the angel ascending into heaven. There was not a face… it was just the wings, and then a huge sense of calm rushed over my body. It was a surreal experience, but I knew it was mom. It was at that moment, that I knew she would show up and guide me in ways I never imagined. It was in that moment that the fear of not knowing her or feeling her presence vanished from me.
Since that day I have been collecting little gems of information that I was blind to before her passing. I share these because I know I am not the only one who has experienced a loss or is missing someone, but I sure wish someone would have said hey... just wait. It is not as bad as you think. It is different, thats for sure, but you will be moved in ways you never knew possible.
Lesson #1: Pay attention to how AWESOME your life is. Before she passed, I was blind to the small beauties of everyday life. I was living, but not REALLY living if you know what I mean. I was going through the motions, missing the small synchronicities in life, missing the magic in the mundane and if I could turn back time, I would go back and just soak up how awesome my life was. Nowadays I am kind of annoying with it I’m sure, but I am just acutely aware of how lucky we are to be here and how awesome my life is. I wake up excited to see what I will learn or see or experience each day because we are not promised tomorrow.
Lesson #2: She is with me more now than when she was here on this earth. The things we stress about and fear are never as bad as the real thing. I dreaded my life without my mom. I thought about it over and over again before it actually happened. What I feared was not being with her, or feeling her motherly presence and I am here to tell you she is with me more now than when she was here. It is not physical but I get signs ALL the time that she is with me, guiding me, or sending me love. Out of the blue I will get a random card from a friend saying they are thinking of me, or a comment “you look like your mom”, or my favorite is when Wyatt brings her up out of nowhere. It is her, I know it is and it is really cool to experience.
Lesson #3: It is possible to keep her and her memories alive with my children. This was actually a request from her. You may have noticed that I sport a pair of diamond earrings. These were the last Christmas gift she gave Amy and I and when she gave them to me she asked me to wear them as a reminder of her… like I needed a reminder of how great she was? I knew right then and there that she was afraid my children would not know her so I made it a priority that my children will know their Mawmaw. Wyatt knows where her statue sits outside, he knows her necklace is in my car, he knows she lives in heaven, and he knows him and Mawmaw had great times when she watched him as an infant. He randomly brings her up, which I know is her . She started a journal when Wyatt was born which is such a great idea! We read that to him when I am able to and he enjoys hearing about him and Mawmaw’s time together.
Lesson #4: Change your outlook, change your life. There are so many days where I could wake up and be pissy about my life and my situation but that gets me nowhere in life and honestly it brings down everyone around me. I work every single day on my outlook, my thoughts and how I can turn my attitude around to change my life for the better and make those around me better. My mom served people, and when she left me physically I saw what an impact her service had on this world and it is now my mission to serve and inspire. If you are going through a tough time, I encourage you to start personal development. It is life changing. Literally… when you change yourself, your world changes. I am living proof of this.
Lesson #5: When your mom says you will miss me one day when I am gone… she is right . Don’t pick fights with her, get annoyed with her for calling a bazillion times or get mad at her because your outfit isn’t right. You’ll regret it one day.
Lesson #7: This woman excelled at relationships and it has given her the ability to continue to change lives without even being here. She taught me to invest in people, pour your heart into them. Your legacy will carry on with the way you made people feel, not what you said to them.
Lesson #8: There is something greater than us out there. I am not turning this into a religious post and if you don’t believe me yet, you will. You will reach that point in your life where you sit back and say “huh” something else is with me, or guiding me. I have touched on this before. I have signs that I choose and they continually show up without fail. Just open your mind and eyes to the possibilities that something greater is out there.
Lesson #9: Life is short. Build the life of your dreams so when your time here on earth comes to an end, you can look back and say “Damn I lived life and I had fun doing it!”
Lesson #10: A mother’s love never dies. I may not be able to hug her, or talk to her but again, I am living proof her love never dies. She shows up day in and day out to show me she is here, she is proud and she loves me.
Now go drink a margarita in honor of my mom!